Alexis is ten years old now. Her face mirrors my own. She doesn't know the storms that surrounded her birth. How easily our entire lives could've changed. How hard doing what was right over doing what was easy was. I was a "teen mom". It's no where's near as cool as the hit MTV reality show makes it sound. Not an ounce of glamour was involved.
I was class president, student council vice president, soccer captain, accelerated softball catcher, Honor society member, Humane society volunteer, an active part of students against a vanishing environment, chorus, girls athletic association, I played clarinet and was nominated as our schools ambassador to the HOBY conference. I've always had a strong passion for learning and growing. Not because someone told me I had to....it's always how I've been. My support system was fairly weak on the home front and there was nobody mentoring me. My mistakes were my own and I had to take full accountability for them. Granted, there would be plenty more, but my pivotal shift from being a successful teenager turned into me being a failing adult in a matter of 9 months. 4 months if you count the fact that I didn't know I was pregnant with Lex until 24 weeks. Teenage stupidity.
I was naive, uneducated in matters of the storks and made the giant mistake of sneaking out in my down time to go party away the stress that awaited me at home every day if came out of my room. Alcoholism and depression effects the entire family. Not just the person doing it. About a year prior to my pregnancy my maternal grandparents both died. A lot of focus in the house turned into the emptiness of what was gone, over what was still around. The guidance counselors never saw behind the smoke screen. Nobody could possibly understand unless their family has been through it too. It is the biggest knife in my back. I should be angry. I should be vengeful. But instead, we choose to protect those that are weak. I've never felt right about taking someone to slaughter that can't defend themselves. Maybe, it's a weakness of all sons and daughters. Maybe it's a weakness of those with empathy. But in short, I can't place my life mistakes on anyone else. I was all I had.
I was escorted to a room in the high school office by one of my softball coaches. I managed to hold it together while I numbly made the walk to what felt like impending doom. A counselor was waiting for us inside. My mother had called and reported my newly discovered pregnancy to my coaches. I dropped a bit on my mile times but for the most part (aside from the constant vomiting each morning) you'd never know that I was 6 months pregnant. The doctors would later confess that my sports efforts were likely the reason why I was so physically able to handle labor without drugs or much effort. I sat in a pool of tears and embarrassment. The adults in the room seemed sad too. I begged to keep playing. Those were my girls, my team. I spent more time in the weight rooms and on the fields than I did at home. I was barred from athletics. Unless I wanted to be the designated " water-girl", which was an extremely generous gesture to keep me involved but I was already heart broken. It's like getting dumped and then having the guy say he wants your best friend. He'd still be there but then you'd have to lie witness to the pain day in and day out until you finally couldn't stand to see it anymore. "Thanks, but no thanks.", I want the girls to grow as a team, but I can't emotionally handle it while watching my belly grow on the bench.
I lost everything I had built. Everything I loved. Alexis' father lost nothing. He'd never know what it was like to be pregnant and have to walk down a high school hallway. I lost my scholarships, I lost my sports teams. I lost my honors advanced regents degree. I had no time to volunteer or participate in my clubs. I lost many friends. Family tore me apart even more. I was put on a PINS program to prevent me from leaving the house I dreaded so much. PINS stands for "Person In Need of Supervision.", typically kids with drug charges in high school utilized the program over going to Juvie. I had to agree to it to avoid being placed with a foster family. I promise you I have never been a delinquent, nor is reckless one of the adjectives I would use to describe myself. People higher than myself, because of my age and inexperience, wrecked me in any way possible. There's something about people trying to destroy you that makes you want to empower others. Other teens, other moms, other kids of alcoholic families, other domestic abuse victims. We don't deserve to live with the consequences of other people's short comings. Family or not. I let the negatives go so that I could give myself the peace enough to make room to grow. Hate is too heavy to carry for long.I am strong because I've been weak. I believe in everyone , regardless of their past, because I had no-one to believe in me. I believe the strongest of us are those who have been left for dead by everyone else. We then despair on our own until we choose to dig ourselves from the trenches or accept the life we've got in the dark abyss of sadness and solitude.
I decided to be strong. So strong that no-one would ever dare tear me down again. I will have fire in my eyes when I face them all, never tears. I won't point fingers. I will stand and deal. I will face the world with my head held high and carry the universe in my heart. My mistakes are not grave. My life is not bad. My losses in hindsight, have been gains.
Today starts my 2nd college semester. They don't know my past. I've got a clean educational slate. If all goes as planned and I keep myself organized I should have an honors degree with a major in Government next Spring. This morning, my four daughters shared in my anxiety and joy over another semester starting. Us all being in school creates a united front in all things homework and studying. They love going to the college. They are proud to wear their sweatshirts. They give us discounted movie tickets for our local theater and offer many family friendly events. I've been criticized for choosing to work and do college full time while I have 4 children. My daughters are not baggage, they are my drive. I could never put goals on my girls without being serious about achieving my own. I will pick them up when they are down. This is how the world will change, and it starts with what we do in our own households. We are not our parents and that's okay. I'm about to be a Sophomore again. And this time I will get it right.
